Some ponderings...

Hey all,

This is a post from back in December. I was going through a low point and had a lot on my mind. This spilled out into my journal one Sabbath afternoon. I may use the concept again sometime... maybe for an actual article. Let me know what you think!

xoxo,
Ashley


It's Sabbath. Lately Sabbaths have been getting more tolerable. They were getting really hard to deal with. I was feeling like a hypocrite sitting in the pew. I felt like I didn't belong. But Jordan kept dragging me along. He sat beside me with his arm around me, gently, silently, telling me it was ok, that I was supposed to be there, it was alright. If it hadn't been for him, I don't know where I would be right now.

But I'm here now. In my room. Alone. I went to church this morning. I didn't feel uncomfortable being there. I wasn't as comfortable as I once was, but it wasn't bad. That church makes it easy to want to be there. Everyone welcomes you and greets you like it's your first time being there. Of course, that's probably because they are so old they don't remember you being there last week. But really, it's a nice place. I'm probably going to transfer my membership there within the next year or so.

But the real reason I wanted to write was because I've had something going through my mind lately that I wanted to get out and ponder.

Honestly, I don't pray. I try sometimes, and maybe it can be considered prayer, but it never really feels satisfying for me. So I don't. I know I should, and I do feel guilty about it, but for a few years now, I've started wondering, what's the point? I don't know if my prayers even go anywhere. I can't sense in any way that they were received.

Are prayers just like kites? You send them up, but they only go so far? Kites are held at the end of a string. Is that how prayers are? They are sent up, reeled out, but pulled back in when no answer immediately shows up?

Or are they like a ball? Thrown in the general direction of God only to come bouncing back down and rolling away? Or a boomerang that just circles around to hit you in the head, never going anywhere at all?

What about steam? Are prayers like steam? It floats away into invisibility, but then you never really know where it goes. Did it really go anywhere?

Or smoke. Do they just billow upwards only to hit the ceiling, leave a mark, and float back down to choke you?

Or like a tether-ball, you keep having to hit it away, but it always comes right back, with absolutely no point?

I was pondering all of this in my head on my way to a class, when it hit me. Helium balloons. Prayers are like helium balloons.

Think about it. All they want to do is go up, they are just waiting to be released. If you let them go, but still cling to the string, they can only go so far. If you keep hanging on, eventually they deflate and fall. But if you are brave enough, you can step outside, and let go. The helium balloon does the rest. All it can do is go up and up and up, like it's on a track or a path or... a string. Like it's on a string being pulled to Heaven, finally, now that you've let go of it.

Yeah, that's how prayers are. They are tugged at from heaven, waiting to be released so they can be answered. But if you don't let go, God will, and the prayer will fall, unanswered, because you couldn't give it up. You must give it up completely, give it over, before anything can be done.

I can just picture a field filled with people, each holding a balloon. Each balloon is filled with prayers and helium. All at once, they are released, and each one flies on it's path to Heaven.

Wow. Balloons. Prayers are like....balloons.