Good evening.
It is 11:49 pm as I am beginning this, on a Tuesday night.
My computer is sitting in front of me on my bed, my water bottle is beside me, half empty. I have only one light on, and the glow of the screen.
And I'm thinking. I know what you are thinking. "Ashley, you know thinking can be dangerous..." But this time, it's ok. :-)
A lot has happened to me in the last month or two. It makes me stop and think, why? What did I do to deserve all this, both the good and the bad? What made me so special?
Over a month ago I pretty much lost two people I considered to be my best friends. I dont know what happened, they just decided to not talk to me. That really hurt.
Another friend seemed to be ignoring me for a reason I couldn't figure out at first. I was afraid I was losing her too. We've since talked about it, and everything is squared away. I've kept that friend, so far.
One of my closest guy friends has been a steady confidant through a lot lately. He listens to all my troubles, and gives me advice from a guy's point of view. He has recently told me that he also has feelings for me. I am flattered, but I just can't return his feelings. Right now, I am trying my hardest to keep things as they used to be with him, but it's hard. (If you're reading this, I am so sorry. I'm still trying.)
And I know I'm losing another friend right now. He and I have been through you-know-what and back, and somehow kept a friendship going. But it is seriously slipping right now. We've shared some harsh words, we both have hurt feelings, we both are angry, and we both are not trying as hard as we could be to see things from the other's point of view. I've done my part, the perverbial ball is in his court now to do with as he pleases. I know things will work out for the best, I'm just afraid of what the best will be.
On a brighter note, last night my youngest sister decided, as I was heading to bed, that I was THE person that she wanted to spend time with. If I tried to set her down, she's cry. If I tried to give her to Mom, she'd cry. All she wanted was to be held by me. She would wrap her little baby arms around my neck, and cry into my shoulder. If I got her distracted with something else and snuck into my room, she would follow me crying "Ash! Ash! Ash!" It made my heart melt! I finally had to put her down and go to bed, at 11:30 at night. It made my heart break to hear her crying, but it felt SO GOOD to know she loved me and wanted me. There's just something about little kids... They call it "the terrible twos" but she's not that terrible... just two!
And today, I talked to the subject of my affection, and once again, he surprised me! He is planning to go with ADRA to help the people affected by the tsunamis and the earthquake. That really meant something to me. And then he proceeded to make me blush and grin as he tends to do sometimes. :-) (Yes, you, I am still grinning.)
Speaking of the earthquake and following tsunamis, it breaks my heart to hear the rising death toll. All those innocent people, their lives snuffed out in an instant, their homes no longer standing, some not even exsisting anymore. I am so blessed to be where I am right now, in a warm room, on a soft bed, with heat and electricity; those people have nothing now. Parents have lost their children, children have lost their parents. Homes, resorts, whole islands have been leveled. Many people had friends or relatives in the area, and dont even know if they are still alive. The agony those people must be going through. I have no right to complain about my life. Right now, my life is easy.
Say a prayer as you read this, or as you go about your day, for the people in Indonesia, Thailand, Sri Lanka, India, and all the other countries affected by the quake. And say a prayer for all the workers who are helping search for loved ones in the mess. None of their lives will ever be the same.
late night thoughts...
