We all have them. Me especially, I think. See, a lot of times, I am so concerned with messing something up, that I analyze the situation too much. It really annoys me! I'll be going along just fine, loving my life, and then WHAM! a doubt hits me square in the nose, and I start to wonder, is this the right thing? is this really gonna work out? am I spending all these emotions for nothing? am I going to just get hurt again?
It's hard to live with that, ya know? I tend to need a lot of certainty. I'm working on it, because I know life doesn't always come with a guarantee, but I'm still a major work in progress.
Take a couple situations in my life right now. First off, school. Ok, so I don't agree with the philosophy of text books very well... They bore me, ok? But my lack of interest is coming back to bite me in the butt with college looming, and my high school career not yet finished. I'm in my 5th year of high school. (a downside to homeschooling, I study when I want...not good) While I dont regret staying home, I'm beginning to regret my lack of initiative and self-discipline. If I don't get my act together, I fail high school. It's that something great to have on my educational track record? So, I'm getting myself signed up for GED classes, since I have resigned myself to not finishing my high school program. Soon, I'll be going to classes a couple evenings a week to study for the GED test. Classroom work, this is new to me. I know I can do it, but there are those stupid little nagging doubts in the back of my head that tell me I wont make it, that something this simple is gonna flop, and I'll eternally be a high school drop out with no hope of anything more. What a great confidence booster, dontcha think?
And then there's my...my someone special. Right now, I feel completely clueless when it comes to any sort of relationship. I dont know what to expect, what to plan for, what not to plan for...it's like I've never had a relationship before, and I'm scared to death. I can't even put into words what I'm feeling right now. I'm trying to be mature and just let things happen, but sometimes I worry that they WON'T happen...and I don't want that. But then I think that it's not up to me, that God has a plan all worked out, and that makes me sad, because what if this person isnt God's plan for me? I really want this person to be my Mr. Right. And then, I realize that my life IS in God's hands, and that I dont have to worry, because He knows what He's doing and wants what's best for me. Ahhhh, then I just keep going in circles! I just want somebody to love! But not just anybody. That's not too much to ask, is it? I care about the one person I never thought I'd have the opportunity to care about. It still takes me by surprise every time I think about him.
Whew, I guess I could put some of that into words after all...
I suppose all my thoughts and doubts need to all come down to two verses.
"I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." Jer. 29:11 MSG
"I am not ashamed, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him for that day" 2 Tim. 1:12 NIV
One day at a time... That's all I can do right now. God knows the future I hope for, and if He wants it to happen, then it will happen... but I admit, I'm terribly impatient!!
Hugs, and goodnight!
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